Revelation

After a lot of thinking lately(since yesterday) about what to do with my l i f e situation, I have decided that I don’t really have to decide right now. Thanks to the awesome support from good friends.
Fuck Yeah!
I really don’t have to make any decision right this moment.
I can just keep on keepin on as long as I want to. Its not self destructive, honest.


One conclusion I did come up with is…………
I probably should of been in an open marriage.
Which I currently am most definitely not. 
And
since I can not change that.
I am stuck where I am, with my relationship.
Well not stuck, I suppose. I have chose to be where I am.
I do not want to lose the sportsman. 
That is a fact.
but
It is also very apparent
that I need/crave outside stimulation.
I think I have always been this way.
I just did not recongize it till now.



 Recognizing you have a problem is the fist step people!
I just don’t think the sportsman would ever go for an open marriage.
He does not want to share me,
with A N Y O N E!
I get that.
Honestly I do.


So it brings me right back to where I was. Sorta. 
Just with a better understanding of my needs/wants.


So now what?


So if I stay (which I will) And commit myself soley to the sportsman, then how do I contain my urges?
Any suggestions?
I'm counting on YOU to give me free advice. So that I don't have to go pay for help.

But
Don’t tell me to talk to the sportsman about it. He would not understand and would probably leave me on the spot.
That is just not an option. Ever!


If I were in the sportsmans shoes, I wouldn’t want to share either.


A friend of mine once told me, that I had a sex addiction.
That I should seek counsoling for "sex addiction".


Which still to this day I do not believe Or agree with him.
I’m not saying that it isn’t a real problem.
I’m just saying it’s not MY freakin problem.


I believe my problem is something completely different.
Sex just happens to play a role in there is all.


Maybe its time to go back to the self help section in the book store.
You know they have all kinds of shit there to help you with just about any problem.


Why is it so hard?
Can anyone tell me that? 
Am I alone in this
or
are there others out there like me?


I know this seems to be a reoccuring theme with me. I need to stop the cycle seriously. I do know that. But how?


I'm thinking that the first step may be to stop all the outside interaction I have.
It’s something to ponder on.
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