Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Blue Mood

    There are times when I am blue. No, shit .
    I am not the SUPER mom 24/7.

    Yes, I do have my moments when I am sad   depressed disappointed scared about my health. I try not to dwell on it, but sometimes I just get sucked into this f u n k.

    Since my family and I do not really talk about my disease, we mostly just “pretend” that everything is fine. I don’t much discuss how I am feeling or what I am going thru daily. I do this for them. My family.

    I pretend, so that my kids can have a normal childhood. I do it so that my Sportsman doesn’t have to worry. I do it so no one else has to carry the heavy burden.

    To be honest no one wants to freakin hear about someones damn health problems. (Insert Akward silence here) It makes ppl feel freakin weird. Unless the person you’re sharing with also has some dumb ass incurable disease.

    So, I don’t share with my family. Isn’t that what all moms do? They protect their families. However even the strongest of moms has to have an outlet.

    I am no different, so sometimes I shop. I buy awesome electric blue toe nail polish, I buy car air fresheners (I know strange), and I buy flowers. All shit of course I do not need, but what the heck. It makes me feel better. I am fully aware that you cannot take any of these things with you when you die, but I don’t care.

    If it makes me feel happy in the here and now then why not? These are things I can control, and that is what ppl do when they have a disease that they can not control. I suppose all this is better than being addicted to porn right?

    Its not as if I make crazy huge purchases or the Sportsman would have a freakin heartattack. Seeing as he is a penny pincher and all. I mostly bargin with him for the larger purchases.

    LOL . AS you all know.

    I also read. A lot. I belong to a book club, so I normally have at least 6 books at a time that I need to read. I also go to the movies. A lot. I go see at least 1-2 a weekend. I also bake. No just freakin kidding, I do not cook at all. Not cause I don’t know how but I just don’t care about it. It basically all goes in and then comes right back out. I don’t get all the prepartion for such a fancy meal just so you can shit it back out. (Maybe that’s just me and my shitty disease talking) It’s not that I don’t appreciate it when other ppl do it. I just don’t feel the need for me to do it.

    I used to paint but havent in awhile. Mainly cause I have like a million paintings I have done and they are all just sitting around the house. I think this drives the Sportsman crazy. I think he would prefer I just give them away. Not sure why I hold on to them. Mostly fear that who the hell would really want them?

    I go to the gym, almost every day of the week. It helps with stress, but the routine is getting boring and I’m stuck in a place where I’m not seeing much in the way of results. So I’m thinking of shit canning this also.

    My Sportsman recently suggested that I take up golf so that we could go together. Now my answer to him was, “Can’t I just drive the cart and drink the beer”? WTF! Cause golf seems a little slow  and a lot boring.

    So now I’m looking for something new to keep me occupied on the days that I get sucked into the doom and gloom mood.

    Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? What do you do when your in a  f u n k  and can’t seem to get out of it?

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