The Past is the Past is the Past.................................

I know I have already shared with you about my summer being filled with me hanging out with a bunch of people from my old high school days.


As we have discussed before, sometimes that isn’t all that good of a thing. To be reminded of the past. I know they say you should confront your demons, but what the hell.
 I don’t know that I agree with that.



So anyways, recently a girl contacted me from my past (on FB), This great awesome kickass girl is someone I knew from my junior high past in Wyoming.


Now when I was beginning Jr. High my parents moved us to Wyoming. Which at the time was very devastating to me (well really any young teen), since we lived in Kansas City.
Who as a young teen wants to move to the country?
What the hell kind of fun is that?


When we first moved , we lived in Cody Wyoming, where I might add they didn’t even have a freakin McDonalds.

That is just wrong.
They did however have a local bar and a rodeo. Yippie!


Then later we moved to Casper Wyoming.
Population 53,569 people. Kansas City has 451,572 people.
See a little bit of a difference here?  ha ha


Now when you have lived in the city most of your life, moving to the “country” is some what of a challenge. To say the least. There is an adjustment period.


I kept thinking when we moved, WTF? Really!
Of all the freakin places to move. Why here?
Oil baby! That’s why.


I also have to say living in a small town in the country, allows for alot of free time to get into t r o u b l e with a capital T.


Which you know I did. What the hell, would you expect any less from me?


I learned a lot about LIFE from my time spent in good ole Wyoming.


Besides during our time of living in Wyoming was when my parents were heavy drinkers. They had parties all the time or went to parties or were at the bars. (Not placing any blame here)


Anyways, where I was going with this is?
Oh yeah, I have forgotten a lot about my past. I have only been able to remember some things. Honestly, I still think a lot of my memory gaps are due to my disease.


However, now that I have been in contact with several other people from my past time in Wyoming, I am beginning to wonder. The last several nights I haven’t slept very well. My mind keeps trying to remember things that people have mentioned to me.


This reunion has brought back a lot of mixed feelings. I am very happy that I have been able to reconnect with the people that I have, but…………………………


There is that but again.


I am now remembering the very dark and sad times from when I lived there. Whether I want to or not.


I am remembering all the men I hooked up with in my mission to find love. My constant desire to feel loved by a man. I know now why I did those things (Daddy issues), but back then all I knew was I wanted to feel loved and young boys at that age only want one thing, a piece of ass.


Those days were my most self-destructive times in my life.


I was out of control wild. Those were the days when I started cutting myself, drinking, getting arrested for public nudity and oh, lets not leave out my eating disorder.
If we had not moved back to Kansas City when we did, I probably would not be alive today.


I would like to think that now I have finally got my shit together and I am leading a somewhat “Normal” respectful kind of life.


So then why do I keep allowing the things I have done in my past hold my in that “defective” category/zone?



Will I EVER be able to move past it
 and forgive myself?
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