Sunday, May 8, 2011

Top of the morning to you, Jackass

    Normally, I write what I want to say in advance.
     I read it.
    and re-read it.
    Today I'm writing totally off the cuff.
    So be patient with me.
    Who knows where this post will end.

    It's mothers day. I've had an amazing day
    with my mom and family.
    It's actually been a perfect day.
    At least the definition of what a perfect
    weekend should be.
    I've had the perfect weekend.

    I've even had sex 4 times in 2 freakin days.
    I got to lay out and soak up the sun.
    I have a great tan already.
    I woke and only weight 116 lbs
    I worked my ass off at the gym
    (yes that normally makes me happy)
    I looked in the mirror and I actually look good.

    Those things alone should of made me happy.
    Really fucking happy.

    They didn't.
    I'm not happy
    that is.

    I'm blah.
    I'm lonely.
    I spend  a ridiculus amount
    of time thinking about
    the life I could have vs the life I'm living.

    Some times I hear a song and I think of
    Mr.Big. Mostly still trying to understand
    why he didn't want me.
    Makes me sad.
    Then that makes me start to think about Mr. Muscles
    and why didnt he want me either.
    2 for 2
    See a trend here?
    Of course you do.
    R e j e c t i o n.
    It fucking sucks!
    No one likes to be rejected.
    What the fuck is wrong with me?
    To be rejected twice.

    Then the rest of the time I spend
    feeling guilty.

    For being such a shitty selfish
    wife. For only thinking
    of my own needs.

    I'm sooooo fucking conflicted.

    Should I move on?
    Since I can't really have "it".
    Should I continue?
    Do I have a choice

    if I have a  choice will either
    make me happy.

    Every once in awhile I have a happy moment.
    it never lasts.

    It that how life really is?
    Blah all the time.
    Only once in awhile a
    happy moment.
    Do I expect too much?

    Now I'm just rambling
    which is why I normally pre-write this shit.

    I know this is the crapiest post ever.
    I just had to get this shit out of my head.
    To free up some space to maybe
    see more clearly.

    I'll end this rambling with

    See ya when I see ya.

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