Normally, I write what I want to say in advance.
I read it.
and re-read it.
Today I'm writing totally off the cuff.
So be patient with me.
Who knows where this post will end.
It's mothers day. I've had an amazing day
with my mom and family.
It's actually been a perfect day.
At least the definition of what a perfect
weekend should be.
I've had the perfect weekend.
I've even had sex 4 times in 2 freakin days.
I got to lay out and soak up the sun.
I have a great tan already.
I woke and only weight 116 lbs
I worked my ass off at the gym
(yes that normally makes me happy)
I looked in the mirror and I actually look good.
Those things alone should of made me happy.
Really fucking happy.
BUT
They didn't.
I'm not happy
that is.
I'm blah.
I'm lonely.
I spend a ridiculus amount
of time thinking about
someone.
and
the life I could have vs the life I'm living.
Some times I hear a song and I think of
Mr.Big. Mostly still trying to understand
why he didn't want me.
Makes me sad.
Then that makes me start to think about Mr. Muscles
and why didnt he want me either.
2 for 2
See a trend here?
No?
Of course you do.
R e j e c t i o n.
It fucking sucks!
ASS.
No one likes to be rejected.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
To be rejected twice.
Then the rest of the time I spend
feeling guilty.
For being such a shitty selfish
wife. For only thinking
of my own needs.
I'm sooooo fucking conflicted.
Should I move on?
Since I can't really have "it".
Should I continue?
Do I have a choice
really.
and
if I have a choice will either
make me happy.
Every once in awhile I have a happy moment.
but
it never lasts.
It that how life really is?
Blah all the time.
Only once in awhile a
happy moment.
Do I expect too much?
Now I'm just rambling
which is why I normally pre-write this shit.
Fuck!
I know this is the crapiest post ever.
Sorry.
I just had to get this shit out of my head.
To free up some space to maybe
see more clearly.
I'll end this rambling with
See ya when I see ya.
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