So everyone knows that I am somewhat obsessed with working out. Fitness. To be exact. Not just to look good. but other reasons too. So I have recently kicked it up a notch, ok in freakin high gear, As if going to the gym twice a day wasn't enough.
My main reason for all the gym time is my health. The second reason, well its to keep me out of t r o u b l e.
Which everyone knows I have a real problem with. and if I'm at the gym all the time.
Well then no free time to cheat. Right?
The perfect solution.
So now I have decided that being in shape isn't enough. My new goal is to work on building bigger muscles.
Which means a couple of things.
One lifting more. Changing up my routine to shock my muscles. Two I purchased some of that lovely protein powder mix.
I even had to buy one of those shaker bottles. Of course mine is in RED.
120 calories. 21 grams protein. and it actually taste pretty darn good.
Huge ole bottle. that cost me huge ole dollars.
My plan is not to lose anymore weight,but to build up my muscles. I'm already pretty lean. Very little if any body fat at all. So I'm hoping by doing all this it will make my muscles look more defined.
So I started this new shit a week ago. So far I have lost weight. Not the plan. (How long will it take to see a change?) I had to changed my diet a little. but only to add stuff to it.
So that I am getting the right kinds of foods before and after my work outs. You know more protein.
I've been told that 45 minutes after your work out is the most important time to replenish your body. Small window.
I'm a grazer. So its hard for me to stuff all this "important" protein shit into my tiny tummy, without feeling over full. and yet again I have lost weight.
What the hell.
I get how important it is. On the weekends I am in the gym for almost 3 hours and I need some serious food to replenish shit. I work really hard. and when I'm done I am freakin hungry.
Just a warning you should never get in my way when I am hungry. Its actually very scary. Skinny girls can be just as mean when they are hungry. So I'll keep you updated on my progress and if any of you have any suggestions. I'm all ears. Knowledge is power.
I know I haven't talked about my EX very often on here. Only as of recently. For reasons that should be obvious. We don't get along very well. I hold onto alot of anger from the things he did to me during our marriage.
Somethings are just not forgivable. Like Physcial and verbal abuse. Lets save that for another time shall me. (let me mention that this was my 2nd husband)
Anyways, I am civil when around him. That is just who I am. Its not fair for my kid to see the anger I'm holding onto.
Well shit I've gotten way off of the topic I wanted to write about. Sorry for that.
So recently the EX's mother died. Which is very sad. No matter what I don't wish death on anyone. The death of my sons grandma has really upset him. Rightfully so , he was pretty close to her. No matter how old you are death is hard to deal with. So I correspond with the EX, giving my condolence about the death. I ask if there is anything I can do. Even though he is remarried. It really isn't my place. But I offered anyways.
So my son and I sit down and talk about the death. He cries. and asks me if I would go with him to the funeral. I'm torn between being there for my son and being someplace where I don't really belong.
So I contact the EX and ask if it's ok if I attend the funeral. Surprisingly he says, "yes". My big issue is, should I really be there? He is remarried. What will his wife think? If his EX shows. Will she care? Should I not go? I would be doing it out of support for my son. It's soooooo complicated. Any thoughts.
One of my favorite places to eat is "Jimmy Johns". As a norm my family goes and gets sandwhiches from there on Sunday nights. Since no one wants to cook. We used to go over to my moms for "sunday" dinner. Not really sure why that stopped. Anyways, we go almost every Sunday. Now let me just say, they have like the sub sandwhich type of bread and then they have the whole wheat seven grain bread. I personally like the bread not the sub style. I mean I really freakin love the regular bread. I NEVER get the sub style. EVER! So the last couple of times we have gone, they have been out of the bread. What the hell!!! Now you know me well enough to know that this really pisses me off. When I go with my set to have my bread, and then get there to find out they are out. It pisses me off. Enough where I refuse to get anything from there. I told my guy I was going to call there the next day and talk to a manager and complain. Not to get free shit, but to tell them I think its fucked up. My guy just rolls his eyes at me. Both my guy and my son hate when I share how pissed I am. It embarrasses them. They are the type to just walk away and internalize the disappointment. Not me. I have no problem with sharing how I feel. So in the end my guy drives me to another place to get me food. The last t h r e e times they were out of the bread, I swore I was never eating there again.
Then while my guy and I were out of town, we stopped in at a Jimmy Johns there and wouldnt you freakin know it, they were fucking out of the bread.
I even asked before if they sold the loafs of bread to customers. You can guess that answer. What the hell people. How hard is it to keep extra bread on hand. If its so fucking popular.
I'm just saying.
So after that I told my guy that was the final straw. NO ONE in my family is ever eating there again. I am boy cotting them.
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I have seen many many cocks in my day. Mostly photos. Ok well some real ones too. and because I have, I feel that I am a pretty good judge on what are the best ones look like. It really is more than just size. Not that I don't prefer large ones. but there is shape; color; gurth;
So many things .
I got to thinking about what most men are. The average is supposed to be the same size as a dollar bill. Which got me to thinking. I should do a survey.
This survey involved, 1) me asking men I know (not random strangers) and 2) men that I am blogger friends with.
For the most part I was provided with photos to prove what size they were,( always nice) while the others that I'm good friends with, well I just took their word for it.
Just so you know I never got to see any of these in person. Bummer. You know the first thing I found out was most men did not have a problem with sharing what size they are. Photos or otherwise. Unless they were below average. I guess I would be a little self concious too. 2nd I found out that the majority of men are indeed "average" size. 3rd there are a small handful that are most definately "above" average.
Now, don't be shocked to hear that the "above" average was not just black men. (sorry I did not survey any black men,but I do have a girlfriend that is dating one. She provided me with info) There are after all some white guys out there with huge cocks too. and when I say "above" average I mean they were bigger than a dollar bill. Also not surprising the ones that were above average were also larger in width too. Go figure.
I also found this nice size chart on-line. I just had to share cause its freakin awesome. Yes, I know its for hotdogs. but aren't they relatively the same? hee hee
When I'm pissed. I really try not to start my post with a rant. but this time I just can't do that. It all started in my kitchen. I was done with the gym. I was eating a small breakfast, reading a book just chilling.
Had not even showered yet. My guy is also in the kitchen. He has also not showered yet.
Yes I know ewwwww gross, after being at the gym almost 3 hours. but in my defense, after the gym I am freakin starving. I have to get some protein in f a s t.
So my guy is in the kitchen throwing together shit for lunches and stuff for the next week.
I lean back in my chair and I say quietly so small ears can't hear, "hey, psssst. you wanna shower with me"? Wink Wink.
What I get is this blank look like, ummmm we shower together all the time. He says, "I guess. Sure".
I then say, " I mean, you wanna fuck in the shower"? Now wait for it, cause your not gonna believe what the fuck comes out of his mouth. My guy says, " well I guess when I done, if it happens to be when your ready for the shower".
What the fuck??????? Are you kidding me.
Did I mention that his tone of voice was kinda pissy. Cause he was so focused on cooking and shit.
Soooooooo not what I was expecting. You can guess the surprised look on my face and anger rising because of these words. I mean come on, I'm no super model, but I do work out twice a day. I have men offering me sex all the time. So I sit there kinda pissed. I go back to reading my book. but not really reading it.
Just getting more and more pissed by the second.
I turn back around to my guy and say, "Never mind". Don't bother, coming to shower with me. I'm not interested anymore. I walk off , PISSED. Livid actually.
Really? He just turned ME down.
What the fuck is wrong with him. No, I don't have a big ego. but I do feel like if anyone was gonna turn down someone it would of been reversed. Fucker!
So I go get in the shower. A couple seconds later my guy shows up in the shower. I tell him is my best pissy voice, "I told you nevermind"! But he comes in anyways. and tries to touch me/put his arms around me.
Now all my emotions are running wild. I feel like I'm gonna cry. I'm so hurt that he didn't react differently to my advances. I ask him what the hell is his problem? he replies, "I dont know".
I in turn say, " what do you expect me to do"? You don't want me to cheat but this is what I get.
Are you fucking serious. I ask him again. He has no answer for me. Other than he was wrong and he does want me.
We finish showering in silence. and then I leave. I go to the bedroom and I pull out my "toy" and I use it to get off. Which seems to becoming a regular routine. That I do not like. What does this mean? and You guys wonder or get pissed that I cheated. Really? Now maybe you can reconsider your judgement. and cut me some freakin slack.
It was a n o r m a l saturday. I sometimes go to the movies by myself.(when no one wants to see the movie I want to see) Anyways So that doesn't make the day all that unusual. I bought my ticket. I got my popcorn and my drink. I went into the theatre. and sat down.
There he was.
He came over and sat down next to me.
He smelled sooooo good. I tried to focus, straight ahead at the previews. Which was very fucking difficult. So there I am sitting, sweating, nervously staring straight ahead. Smelling him. Then He leans over and kisses my neck. He slides his hand over between my legs. Putting gentle pressure on my, well you know. So I push his hand away.Then, I turn and kiss him. His lips tasted soooo good. I turned back around and pretened to watch the previews. Honestly I was trying to focus on the previews.Right.
I then reached over and grabbed his cock thru his pants. I know thats bad. I just couldn't help myself. and He was rock hard. That made me wet instantly. Then he reached over again but this time stuck his hand down the inside of my pants. Touching me.Moving his fingers, all around. OH MY and it felt sooooo freakin good. and I allowed this to go on for a couples of minutes. I just couldnt take much more. I was getting so damn horny. This touching went on back and forth for a bit. Then the movie started to come on.
There really weren't too many people in the theatre. but honestly I just didnt care. I had never done this before, but I was so turned on I couldnt help myself. 20 minutes into the movie we got up and left. I met him out front and we drove to his house.
Where we spent the next hour seriously fucking like I've never been fucked before.
He did things to me I have never had done before. It was soooooooo amazing.
Then he drove me back and dropped me off at my car. and I went home. The end. It was so good that it almost wasn't real. Was it risky? On so many levels, Hell yes. But I was willing to risk it all that day for "him". He was worth it. The sex was worth it. I will never forget that day at the movies. It forever changed my movie going experience. and I will more than likely never do it again. I do have to say,
The day started out like any other day. Up early, gym, and work. The only difference was the soccerboy was on spring break. The sportsman was off work watching basketball. I was at w o r k. The day was going good, I got to talk to "him". Which is always nice. I even got a little somethin somethin. and let me just say that was also n i c e. I think its awesome to get a special somethin and not even have to ask for it.
Anyways ONE phone call later, can ruin any happy moment. The soccerboys dad. my EX. wanted to t a l k.
Things going on with the soccerboy.
Which would be no biggie, except when it comes to the ex I tend to get a bit defensive. For reasons I wont go into.
but I will say piece of work.
The ex likes to play the "good" parent and give soccerboy everything he wants. While I lay down the law. I do all the disciplining. AKA means I am a bitch. Which makes me not liked as much.
What the fuck!
I would like to add that I am a firm believer that parents are not put here to be their kids BFF. We are here to make sure they are prepared for when they are out in the real world on their own. The soccerboy and I used to be very close. Then....................... he turned 16 and got a sports car. It was hard at first to let go. But isn't that what happens eventually? They grow up and move out. Well my convo with the ex didn't go well.
It got heated. Voices were raised.
He called me cause the soccerboy had complained to him about multiple things but mainly that I was too hard on him. My expectations were too high he says. Between, soccer, school, and fitness. Soccerboy felt that I wasnt cutting him any slack. (In his defense he has played soccer competitive all year around since he was 4 years old. Thats a pretty long time to not have any down time)
I reminded the ex, that unless he stops giving the soccerboy everything now, he will never be able to function in society on his own. and hes not living at my house till hes 30. End of convo.
Next thing you know soccerboy is pissed at me. Cause of course the ex called him and told him no more money. Now I am the bitch again.
What the hell.
You would think I would get used to it by now. So I text the soccerboy. I try to have a conversation with him. But he continues to just be pissy. I ask the soccerboy if he would like to come eat lunch with me. I can skip my 2nd gym time if he wants to come out. Nope hes not interested. We text back and forth a couple more times (more like 35) and the soccerboy says STOP texting me. I'm out trying to find a job. Which I dont understand why him getting a job is so upsetting to him. Does he think that he won't ever have to get a job? Why is there so much resistance? Obviously something I will have to get to the bottom of. SO I ask the soccerboy if he wants me to take off work to take him to the movies. No reply. SO I call the sportsman and say, "ask the soccerboy if he wants to go to the movies just him and I". I get the reply, "Whatever thats fine". Wow don't get all fucking excited.
That your mom is gonna take you to a movie, that you wanted to see and pay for everything.
So the kickass mom that I am, I take off work. Rush home. and take the soccerboy to see that Rated R movie Hall Pass. Yes, I said rated R. That doesn't make me a bad mother. Lets be real people. The video games out there are much worse than a rated R movie that shows a little tit. We had a great time. It was nice.
So, now lets see how long it is before soccerboy is pissed at me again for something else. It sucks only being the "cool" mom every once in awhile. But then again its better than never. Right. What would you have done?
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What was my life like prior to my “DVR”? I can't hardly remember.
Which I might mention was around the same time as I joined FB. (last year)
Pre- DVR. I do know that back then I used to only watch shows if I happened to be home, and with soccer that wasn’t very often.Now I know you can re watch shows on the net but, I didn’t have a good laptop back then.
So that wasn’t an option.
I missed a lot of shows.
I would come to work and the girls would talk about all these new shows and I wouldn’t have a freakin clue.
That was ok, cause then my evenings were free.
Now, the present day and time I have so many freakin shows taped on my dvr that I don’t have enough time to watch them all. Then you add writing for my blog. NO TIME!
Theres something seriously wrong with that.
Wouldn’t you agree?
Currently I have, on any given night 5 shows I record.Yes, pathetic I know.
So that means by Friday I have a total of around 30 shows to watch.That’s if I havent watched any of the shows “real time”.
On top of that I record General Hospital every day.
Thank goodness spring is coming soon, cause I need to get back out and run (no more tread mill) and stop watching so much TV.
I'm even thinking about turning back in my DVR, come spring.
I don’t need to watch all these shows.Its just when its so freakin cold out side its hard to want to do anything else but put on my jammies and sit and watch TV.
Last week something happened that has taken me a whole week to stop being so upset about it, in order to share about it here.
The Soccerboy got a ticket. For speeding.
It all went down something like this.
I get a phone call while at work. From the EX. Thats bad enough in its self. For starters I freakin h a t e to get calls from the ex. HA T E it people.
So I get this call that says, "Are YOU sitting down"? What the fuck. So my mind is racing and my first thought is the soccerboy has been in a wreck.
Then the EX says that the soccerboy got a speeding ticket. Oh, ok thats not a big deal right. Everyone gets a ticket. and geezum he turned 16 in October and there hasnt been any problems.
So the EX continues to tell me that soccerboy was afraid to call and tell me. So instead he called his dad. Did I mention he also called his sister, Tattoo girl to ask for advice. (since she has had a few herself) Before he would call me.
The soccerboy was more afraid of me than the actual cop who gave him the freakin ticket. Yes, It was only for speeding. but the soccerboy was going 60 miles per hour in a speed zone of 35! that is 25 over people.
That is freakin dangerous. No wonder he didnt want to call me first. What the hell! Yes I am gonna be pissed. Wouldnt you be?
So this little ticket is gonna cost $250 and the attorney to get the ticket taken care of is another $200. The EX is gonna pay for it all. How nice of him right. Whatever. So the soccerboy is expected to get a job and pay half of it back. Yes, you heard me right. The EX is only making him pay back 1/2.
Maybe I really am a bitch but in order to make a point I thought he should pay all of it back.
Another life learning experience. What do you think the soccerboy took away from this?
I think I have come to an empasse in my "blog" life. I think it might be time that this come to an end.
Definition: Empasse- A situation that is so difficult that no progress can be made; a deadlock or a stalemate .
The fact that I am writing this tells you how seriously I am in considering it.
Ending it all.
You know, I've made alot of good friends here, but along with every good friend I have picked up things that are making my life stressfull and very complicated.
I just don't need that kinda shit in my life.
The whole point in me starting this blog was to free my life of stress and anxiety. Its almost to the point where I dont enjoy doing it anymore. What the hell? I have people stalking me. I have people I thought were my friends, end up not really being. I take full responsibility that my openess and honesty here has hurt peoples feelings. There is such a fine line out here in the blog/internet world. I know that not everyone is who they say they are. I know that alot of people just make shit up. Cause who the fuck is gonna call them out? No one.
Unlike me who shares openly about everything. My fault, for telling the truth and putting it all out there. I openly embraced new friends. When I should of been more cautious. I guess you can say I'm some what gullible.
Definition Gullible- easily duped: tending to trust and believe people, and therefore easily tricked or deceived.
So, I got what was coming to me.
I know if I quit writing that I will be forgotten immediately and replaced with 100 new bloggers. I get it. I'm not a complete dummy.
Right now I'm hurt, disappointed, creeped out, scared, and just plain tired of the fucking stress.
I have talked before about taking a break, and I tried. But I like to write. I like to get things out of my head. For me it frees up space to think about other things or new things. So this isnt a threat. Its just reality.
I just don't know if I can continue to do it or not. I really enjoy reading other peoples blogs. So I will still be roaming around here to some degree. or maybe I'll just become a lurker. I just don't know if I can post anymore.
I need to do some serious thinking. but just wanted to let you know where I was with things. and maybe none of you gives two shits, but I'm telling you anyways. Thats what I do best. Share shit.
For those of you that are who you say you are, were cool. Those of you who are full of shit, well you know that we are D O N E.
Let me just say, I'm not a mean person. Quite the opposite. I care deeply for those people I trust and or have bonded with. I claim to be an honest person. Brutally honest some times. Never to hurt anyones feelings. but mainly cause I don't believe in wasting time with pussy footing around. I feel people should just say what they mean. I also know that some might think I'm a hyprocrit, cause I claim to be honest and then I lie to the sportsman. I lie to him by cheating on him. Just so you know I haven't always cheated on him. Just in this last year. 2 men. Thats it. I know I should never have. Its totally fucked up. Hello, don't judge. You don't really know me. I was out seaking. I'm not sure what I was seaking. I have claimed that it was the lack of good sex. I just dont know anymore why I cheated. I know that due to my health issues, and having a mini stroke not too long ago I was scared. Scared I would die and maybe not ever be with the person I was ment to be with. So I was out looking for the "someone" that I thought would be the perfect package. Then I met him. So I thought. I couldn't get him to commit to me. It broke my heart. Of course what the hell was I thinking. He was single but I was still married. Not even separated. I couldnt exaclty expect anything from him. I had completely emtionally separated myself from the sportsman. I tried to feel things out with this other guy. It just didnt seem like he really wanted to be with me. Honestly I dont blame him. Who wants to be with someone who has a known illness that there is no cure for. Thats alot to take on. So we argeed to be friends. I didnt want to be. but there wasnt much I could do. Then came the weekend where I went away with the sportsman. I wrote about it. This guy reads my blog. My post hurt him. D e e p l y. Which was not my intention. He told me that my blog posts hurt people. Now he won't even talk to me. I don't blame him. I hate that now I have even lost him as a friend. In my defense I am not a bad or mean person. I swear. All that he said, (and he said alot) made me think. I've totally been out of control for awhile. in more than one way. Even though I cheated I have learned alot.
and maybe I've posted too much personal shit here. Maybe I should keep shit more generic. ?
I never ment to hurt anyone with my posts. This is me saying I will try harder. I will be more cautious in what topics I choose to post about.